Love.

So, today I was talking to Miss Arse and we were discussing some examples of shitty parenting that have been on the news lately. Talk turned to how all mothers have had their less-than-stellar moments. She asked me what the worst memory I have of her is. I paused because, frankly, I was thinking "Wow, there are just so many to pick from..." My mom, back then? Was not a great mom. Don't get me wrong, she loved me and she did her best, but she had a baby expecting to get her mini-me and instead, my dad got his mini-me. We clashed from day 1, literally. Not big clashes but an entire childhood of small clashes, most of which, as a mother now, I can honestly say she should have been the one to stop. She had a quick temper back then and I was slapped across the face more than once. There were hard spankings done in anger, with a paddle. There were a number of careless accidents...little finger closed in doors, cigarette burns, etc. Nothing was good enough...I can't count the times I heard "It's good but I know you can do better." Lest you think I'm painting my mom as being abusive, nothing could be further from the truth. She was, at worst, a product of her environment and I? Sorely tried her patience with a degree of stubbornness and a penchant for obnoxious mind games. It was a battle for control every step of the way. Hey, I can be honest about myself. Anyway, today, in my pause while I tried to think of one small thing I could mention and not upset her too badly, she very quietly said, "You have no idea how much better I feel that you're having trouble thinking of something. I feel like I was such an awful mother and I've worried for years that you still carried many hurts with you." And, in that one moment, everything was gone and I couldn't think of a single thing worth mentioning to her. I haven't forgotten but none of it matters now. Funny how love can wash so much away, isn't it?