Sep 29, 2009

4 whys and a dammit.

1. Why would anyone buy this? Rainbow Poops With all due respect to both my fellow homosexual people and my so-not fellow people with fecal fetishes, I'm stumped. Where would you ever use these and why in the world would you want to?

2. Yesterday, in the parking lot of The Dollar Tree, I saw an underwire from a bra. Just one. Now, look, I've worn underwires that have rebelled, coming out of their little channel and poking me in my armpit. It sucks. I've even pulled the wayward one out and gone saggy on one side until I got home and either cut the other one out or tossed the bra. But I'll be damned, I shoved the wire into a garbage can or my purse. I did not casually toss it into a parking lot. Obviously, they removed the offending wire in the parking lot. In public. Next to their car where they could have had privacy. People astound me with just the smallest things, sometimes. Why would you toss your underwire into a parking lot?

3. I was in Walmart this morning and they hire the handicapped. Cool beans for them, that's nice. I especially love the retarded ones. My favorite Walmart hires the highly functioning handicapped, the ones who have aerodynamic wheelchairs and who can clearly say, "Welcome to Walmart! Merry Christmas!" Of course, it's September but that's okay because it's cute and you can understand what they say, so you can sort of play along and feel all self-righteous and politically correct. I've always suspected they do that on purpose and aren't as slow as they let on, just so they can see who amongst the rest of us will fall for it. I think they all meet at a United Way office later, drink beer and share stories about how stupid the rest of us are...however, my retardation conspiracy theories are a whole different topic. My point is, today at a non-favorite Walmart, I wanted a new pair of terry slippers. They had a woman working (and I use that term in the broadest of senses) in the shoe department who could not speak - seriously, she only grunted - and who had to stay within a few steps of her bigass wheelchair that she left clogging up the aisle as she straightened shoes in the boxes. It gets worse. She had to have a regular shoe department employee right there with her all the time, cheerleading. "Good girl! You found the one in backwards! Yay!" Please. It wasn't Waldo, it was a shoe and it was pure luck on her part...let's not kid ourselves here. The handicapped woman got so excited by the praise that she laughed, got choked and proceeded to gag. Lovely. In the meantime, I could not get to the slippers because there were two large people, one massive wheelchair and a big ol' shoe department cart, all where my own fat ass needed to be. I figured at least $2 of my $4.97 slippers were going to pay for all this and I made the decision to just wear the flip-flops I already have, instead. Some family in China will now go without dinner for 3 weeks because of this. The "why?" here is obvious, I think.

4. I've been considering getting DirectTV. I did what I felt was the logical thing and made a list of questions, then called. The question that stumped them all? "If a hurricane comes and my dish is destroyed, will you replace it at your expense or do I have to pay for it?" One employee and two supervisors later, they still had no answers and weren't willing to put anything in writing for me. Now, look, when a person lives in a hurricane-prone area, this ought to be fairly routine and not be a hard question. Why can't they answer this?

As for my "dammit", I've got company coming in a few days and I'm not sleeping well, I'm not feeling well and I stay dog-tired. I'm afraid I'll be poor company. Maybe we can go hunting for underwires to entertain them since hunting for manatees never seems to work out. I dunno. I'm cranky.


Ami said...

1 – I’m afraid to even click on the link. :)

2 – LOL! I’ve been there with the poky wire. Yes, you should wait until you are home to remove the offending wire or at least go into a restroom where you can remove it privately and place it in your purse or the garbage can.

3 – Yet another reason to add to my long list of ‘Reasons I Avoid Walmart At All Costs.’ Seriously, I haven’t been in one in well over 1 year, and then it was only because my son had to use the restroom and that was the closest. I haven’t purchased anything there in at least 2 years.

4 – Seems like a pretty straight-forward question. I hope it wasn’t my sister you were talking to… (although it could have been)

Dawn said...

I had to laugh at your "retardation conspiracy theory". I am the mother of a profoundly mentally handicapped daughter who we affectionally call a "Tardy". I'm sure there would be many who find that term offensive, but to us, it's sweet. Besides, I live the life 24/7 and I'll be damned if I'm going to cave to political correctness.

We always laugh at the thought of my daughter working at Wal-Mart. All she could say is "Hey!" and run up and hug you. She'd let everyone walk out with free stuff.

Ya, that girl said...

HAHA at all the whys! And the dammit..hope you start feeling better and can enjoy your company!

Heather in Texas said...

LMAO at #3!

Anemone Pie said...

Dawn, I made a bad noise out my nose at "Tardy". Good for y'all for not caving! Besides, it's so plain to see how loved Taylor is but I have a feeling she makes it awfully easy!

Ami, you need to have a talk to your SIL...

Erin Lutz said...

OMG...I laughed so hard at the WalMart story!!!! :)

Karen said...

Weird things in parking lot - we went out to eat a few weekends ago - a nice Italian restaurant - leaving the restaurant at almost closing time, several of the kitchen staff were outside smoking, one nice young man came up to us as he was walking back inside and we were walking to our car - said to us "do not - under ANY circumstances - pick up that dollar bill by your car (as ours was the only one in the parking lot area and we were walking towards us - he knew which car was ours) He continued by saying that someone had used the dollar bill as TOILET PAPER and left it on the ground - right beside our car!! Didn't look at it - I took him at his word - but it was right beside our car! Good thing I wasn't driving and didn't have to step OVER it to get into our car!!!!

Tee said...

Living in New Orleans, I totally get the hurricane question. You're nicer than I am, I might have hung up on them.

The wallpaper? Weird. Really really weird.

I am raising my right hand and promising to never ever abandon my underwire in a parking lot.

Enjoying learning more about you!